DATELINE Greenville, SC (from The New Bark Times)

Augie Lambastes Major Party Plans

Drugs, education and pigs ears targeted by Dopeycrats

August 30, 2000 -- Appearing yesterday in the front yard of his Greenville, SC estate, where he has been conferring with key advisors, Augie NotAFoster commented publicly for the first time on the major policy themes being touted by the Gore and Bush campaigns.

The Democrats have unveiled a major drug policy initiative which Vice President Gore contends is necessary to keep the ravages of drugs from the nation's youth.  Augie NAF's response was direct and to the point:  "Drugs belong in the Vetman's cabinet, not in a Presidential platform.  If a Vetman gives drugs to our nation's youth, he should lose his license to practice veterinary medicine!"

As for the GOP educational initiative, Augie NAF reiterated that "no further basset education is needed, as bassets are already incredibly intelligent.  While others might need remedial assistance in educational matters, they should not think that there is ANYTHING they can do to approach Bassetude."  He added, "Book learning doth not a Basset make."

Dopeycrat VP Candidate Moose awoke from a nap, stretched, and suggested that he was in total agreement with this statement, muttering, "Dopey dopey dopey."   Campaign aides quickly moved in, slipped da Moose a treat and whisked him away from press conference microphones.

Following this disturbance, Augie NAF continued by responding to Al Gore's challenge for Presidential candidates to "put up or shut up."  Augie urges all bassets throughout America to AHROOOOOOOO loudly to draw attention to the needs and demands of American bassets. "If somebody wants to shut us up, they will have to corner the market on pig ears first!" declared the Dopeycrat Presidential Candidate, looking very dapper in his top hat and tails despite the summer humidity. "Bassets are prepared to go the distance to ensure that their needs and concerns are adequately addressed in the new millennium. Vote Y2K-9 and put a Basset in the White House THIS YEAR!!!" 

Da Moose was conspicuously absent from the remainder of the press conference.

Propaganda courtesy of the Dopeycrat 2000 campaign.