DATELINE Pelzer, SC (from the Greenville Ahroooos)

Dopeycrats Not Keen on Green

Special interest group accuses party of slander

September 1, 2000 -- On a campaign swing through Pelzer, SC, Dopeycrat Augie NotAFoster reacted publicly to the news that consumer activist Ralph Nader had mobilized his "Green Party" to try to capture the White House in the upcoming Presidential elections. "I am not worried that Nader will be successful in his efforts to split the Basset vote. Although we are color-blind, we are not stupid.   Grass is green, frogs are green, and peas (yuk) are green. Bassets are black, brown, lemon, and/or white, they have nothing to gain by going green."

Dopeycrat VP candidate Moose concurred, "Not stupid.  No no.  Moose dopey.   Dopey dopey dopey."  Aides quickly slipped a muzzle on da Moose, apparently unnoticed by the Presidential candidate.

NotAFoster then downplayed Nader's contributions to the consumer safety field by adding "when was the last time YOU heard Ralph Nader issuing warnings on mushy chewies, tasteless treats, or choke collars?"  The muzzled VP candidate added, "Cwzp Dlunp.  Fpgm Bwwjp.  Fpgm fpgm."

As they were leaving the press conference, NotAFoster was overheard muttering that "the Today Show was happy to talk to a bi-ped who is pretending to be green. Why doesn't Matt Lauer want to talk to US?  Perhaps this country is prejudiced against the long-eared?"

As has been the case throughout this highly charged campaign, the special interest groups were quick to counterattack.  Appearing on Nightline, Chumpy Frawg, spokesfrog for the Amphibial Defamation League was indignant.  "Merde!  Where do they come off insulting us frogs like that?  Mon dieu!  Comparing us with peas?  Mais non! They'll be hearing from frog lovers everywhere!  C'est slanderous!!"

Tormented by an inexplicable desire for cuisses de grenouilles, at the commercial break Ted Koppel discretely phoned Lutèce for a late night reservation.

 

Propaganda courtesy of the Dopeycrat 2000 campaign.

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