Behind the Battle for First Lady

So who are these bitches anyhow?   Savannah Thomas (right) is a real Southern Belle, elegant in her pearls and refined in manner.  Savannah is sometimes called "Queen B," however this reporter was unable to get confirmation of actual royal lineage, leading us to believe that the moniker "Queen B" might refer to something quite different altogether.  She enjoys interior decorating and has been known to drag rugs from room to room in search of that perfect "look".  She resolved that she will not be outbid for First Lady and has stated her supreme confidence that she will become First Lady.  Upon learning that Juliet was bidding on the position as well, Savannah emphasized that she would not stand for it, and threw down a challenge to her Northern rival, swearing "I DO NOT LIKE TO LOSE!  Just try and outbid me, go ahead and try.  I DOUBLE BASSET HOUND DOG DARE YOU!!!"

  Colorful Princess Juliet Kachman is to the aristocracy born, but she has an unseemly way of calling attention to herself with her outlandish garments and radical activism.  Built somewhat like a wrestler, Juliet (pictured, left) has been called a "fluffy houndini with a metabolism problem" or put more simply a "lard butt".  She refers to herself as Juliet "the Magnificent" Kachman, probably after former wrestler Jesse "the Body" Ventura.  Taking exception to suggestions that she should lose a few pounds, Juliet recently staged a public hunger strike and founded a union, the BHAGB (Basset Hounds Against Green Beans).  Some have speculated that her clown attire is a cry for attention, defying nobility's traditional self-restraint.    Irreverently describing Candidate Augie as "one handsome dude," Juliet has stated that she feels destined to be First Lady since she is first at everything.  She asserts that she is "first to finish dinner, first to finish off the pig's ear, first to get to the couch, first to roll over for the mandatory belly rub."  Princess Juliet is definitely not a Southern gentlehound.

So what is Augie's preference when it comes to a first lady?  A determined Southern gentlehound or a fast and flashy Northern Princess?  Hard to say, but it is possible that the Dopeycrat presidential candidate has had dalliances with both Lady candidates.  Savannah claims to rendezvous with the Dopeycrat candidate at the "dirty dog dip," which is evidently a Southern term for "bath house."   Augie has never acknowledged these assignations and local media have been correspondingly close-mouthed on the subject.  Princess Juliet had a much more public meeting with Augie this spring at the Ocean City Boardwaddle.  Paparazzi were unable to capture the two sharing any more than a casual greeting, and in the evenings each retired to their separate hotels.  This has led to speculation that Juliet's boast of having enjoyed a first date with the candidate was probably much exaggerated.

Regardless of who wins this particular contest, it will almost certainly be a dirty campaign, with claims and counter-claims of worthiness for the role.  Or perhaps a surprise last minute bidder will emerge.  At present, this particular bidding war is much too close to call.