Spotlight on Miss Hennessy

The basset Barktha Stewart has a plan for world domination

September 26, 2000 -- Miss Hennessy, sometimes called Barktha Stewart, is a basset of considerable and diverse interests, who has built a vast multimedia empire around her myriad assorted diversions.  Her marketing deal with K-Bark has done little to cheapen her image and has substantially increased her personal wealth.  While rumors persist that Miss Hennessy might be half Basset, half Coonhound, she herself maintains that she is descended from deposed royalty, and that they are polishing the silver and plotting her return to the throne.  Coincidentally, she even promotes a product line to accomplish this, available for $19.95 from K-Bark.

Her weekly television show “Hennessy Lifestyle” is one of the highest rated on the Canine Broadcasting System.   Representative recent features include:

Creating your own Centerpiece.  In this informative segment, Miss Hennessy demonstrates that hunting can be combined with home decoration, allowing you to share your trophy with others.  After a successful kill, simply decorate the carcass with brightly colored raffia, add a candle, and enjoy it for years to come as a decorative centerpiece for family holiday get-togethers or as a delightful and charming house-warming gift.

Remodeling with Cookies.  Miss Hennessy shows how cookies can be used in so many varied ways.  Is there a spot on the wall in your powder room?  Place a cookie under the bathroom vanity and lean it up against the tile wall.  Ensure the cookie is adequately drooled upon and let it set.  After approximately two hours the cookie will dry to a permanent mass that can only be removed with blasting powder.

In other ventures, Miss Hennessy has produced a series of highly popular videotapes, including “Peeing to the Oldies”, “More Peeing to the Oldies,” and “Still Peeing You Gotta Problem.”  One of the beginner exercises demonstrated by the doyenne of dooty is the ballerina pee, preferably done uphill for maximum lift.  For intermediates, there is the 45-degree pee, best used when someone unreasonable is pulling on your leash and you have to lean away.  Only the most experienced should attempt her signature move, the acrobat pee, which is done while standing on a curb as if it were a balance beam, leg straight back.  Miss Hennessy makes it look easy, however many bassets have developed PFBS, permanent flat basset syndrome, by improperly executing this maneuver.

Why exactly is Miss Hennessy bidding for the position of Secretary of the Exterior?  According to a press release, Miss Hennessy has stated, "I am bound and determined to be Secretary of the Exterior.  I really like the Exterior.  There are wonderful things to sniff and eat and roll in.  However I maintain my feminine beauty with a parasol and sunglasses.  All from the Hennessy line at K-Bark." 

Critics assert it is yet another step in her master plan towards total world domination.

Regardless, if she gets the post there is no doubt she will be putting her Hennessy touch on the national parks:  adding sound effects like sighs, grumbles and farts to Old Faithful or gluing decorative pigs ears onto Mt Rushmore.

This glamorous pinup of Miss Hennessy has been made into a card and is available for sale through Basset Hound Rescue of Southern California (or of course, from K-Bark).

Miss Hennessy and the Exterior.   Outside Ness.  It’s a natural.  And available only at K-Bark.