Looking for Basse Terre AmBASSETesse

September 28, 2000 -- The National Extorter has recently discovered that Simon Wurf (pictured, left), candidate for AmBASSETor to Basse Terre Island, has been running personal ads in a rather pathetic attempt to find a companion to accompany him to the remote Caribbean outpost after the election.

Wurf has long had a public crush on Bailey Markisenis.  However, friends say he has been driven to distraction by suspicions of an incestuous relationship between Bailey and her brother Junior.  Understandably confused by this turn of events, Simon Wurf has lately become obsessed with two-legged females. 

Uncomfortable with the political implications of a mixed relationship, Dopeycrat campaign advisors have been quietly encouraging him to seek a long term basset companion by way of the personal ads.

Exclusive here, The National Extorter has obtained a copy of the ad believed to have been placed in the Express-Slimes newspaper personals by the AmBASSETorial candidate himself:

MAYBE YOU AND ME? - Handsome, sincere STM, enjoys snoozing on porches, walks in the park and licking things.  Hates thunderstorms and being alone.   Seeks SF enjoys quality time, companionship, island life, for possible LTR.  Dopey preferred.  Interested?  Contact "Mr. Oops" at K9H-OT4U.