60,000 Pound Basset Eats Murmansk

La BOMBA, an enormous basset bigger than anything ever seen on earth demolished the Russian city of Murmansk on Friday and is currently heading due west towards the Norwegian border.  The exact track of La BOMBA is unpredictable and the next 24 hours are critical.  Drool warnings have been issued for residents of Bardufoss, and a drool watch has been issued as far south as Oslo and Stockholm.

A certain Hollywoof starlet is said to be pursuing Dopeycrat Presidential Candidate Augie NAF.  Augie's closest advisors have seen her but won't reveal her identity.   The candidate himself has denounced all allegations of inappropriate behavior and has challenged reporters to find any evidence of impropriety.  The vehemence of the denial makes one wonder if there isn't more Monkey Business afoot.

The latest basset craze is inciting riots in the streets of LA and outside K-Barks throughout Southern California.  Basset youth are fighting tooth and jowl to get the outrageous new effervescent Glow-in-the-Dark Drool.  Furious parents are demanding a recall of the gooey glutinous glowing glop.

What is Lafoot Rea's Asstology secret?  In his unauthorized biography, "Asstologer, my A**,"  BuddyBoo Rea reveals that the renowned Asstologer to VP Candidate Moose may not have "the gift" at all.  Instead, according to this tell-all memoir, Asstologer Lafoot only has those psychic visions immediately after BuddyBoo has been humping his head.