Playbasset
met with Nick Wittenberg at his estate in the inaptly named town of Temperance,
Michigan. Nick ran out to the car to meet us, then raced on ahead to show us into
his home. Always close at hand was a huge pitcher of margrets, from which he
liberally refilled our bowls throughout the two-hour interview. He appeared well
groomed and relaxed, and was animated in his conversation. Midway through our
interview, Nick suggested we go outside to relieve ourselves. Afterwards he
clambered onto the picnic table and stretched himself out to bask in the waning autumnal
sun. Topics were wide ranging. We started out the interview talking about his
latest book, scheduled for puplication October 13th. PB: Nick,
congratulations on your third best seller. Tell us a little about it.
NW: I think this book is my best yet. It's called "Nick's
Adventures in Fatherhood" and it will be hitting Michigan Basset Rescue bookstores
and online ordering channels this weekend. And best of all, every story in the book
is fully illustrated in magnificent color!
PB: I've heard that you claim to have a magical whacker. What do
you mean by that?
NW: I discovered the magical properties of my whacker at a very young
age. I found that it has the ability to GROW ... EXPLODE ... and MAKE BABIES!
All without any permanent damage! Look out Harry Potter, you ain't seen nothin'
yet!!!
PB: Hmmm. Well, okay. Pretty amazing all right. Um, so how has
fatherhood changed you?
NW:
Fatherhood has changed me from a puppy into King of the Picnic Table. Being a
Dad is a good thing. It means that there is always someone else you can blame for
your mistakes and your "on-purposes" too!
PB: I see. Maybe you can tell me then, how many margrets went into
the writing of this book?
NW: Mom and Granny Pat have sworn me to secrecy on this question.
And, since I know who buys the food and treats around here, I guess I should be careful.
But here's a hot stock tip: Jose Cuervo!!
PB: Interesting. I've also
heard that you hate peas. Why is that?
NW: I hate peas 'coz Mom wants me to eat them.
PB: So you have some unresolved issues ...
NW: Mom says I have a strange disease called ODD. I don't think
that is a compliment, and I don't think it means I am special.
PB: Odd?
NW: No, ODD.
PB: That's what I said.
NW: ODD. Mom said something about Severe Behavior Handicapped
classes and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
PB: Oh. Okay. Uh, let's move on. What would be your
highest priority as Director of the Department of Bassetude in a Dopeycrat White House?
NW: Advanced Training in Oppositional Defiance for all bassets.
PB: That again?
NW: All of us are born with the Introductory Course complete in
utero. Some poor bassets never get to rise to their full bassetude because they have
no one to teach them the finer points of ODD.
PB: Those poor bassets.
NW: Exactly.
PB: Let's talk for a moment about the Dopeycrat ticket. There's
been a lot of talk about the Dopeycrat VP and his, uh, dopeyness. Do you think da
Moose is qualified for the position?
NW: I think that da Moose is eminently qualified to be VP. If you
think about it, the most important characteristic of a good VP is to look sad and act
dumb. It gets you out of a lot of trouble and no one expects you to know
anything.
PB: Good point. Okay, last question.
NW: Already?
PB: Yes, we're almost out of margrets. Final question is about the
leader of the Dopeycrat ticket, Augie NAF. I realize that you and he are personal
friends, in addition to being political allies. He has been conspicuously absent
from the fray. Have you heard from him recently?
NW: I heard from Augie about ten days ago. He called me for advice
about ... hmmm ... let's just say it was guy talk. I advised him to stay cool, stay
away from cigars, close the drapes, and don't play the bongo drums.
PB: Good advice for everyone. And how can one get your book,
"Nick's Adventures in Fatherhood"?
NW: Thanks for asking. Email me at NickBasset@aol.com. Tell me your name,
address, how many books you want and if you them inscribed above my pawtograph. The
books are $15.00 each, and shipping is only $3.20 whether you order one book or two.
All proceeds go to Michigan Basset Rescue.
