DATELINE Washington, DC (from The Woofington Post, Style Section)
Dopeycrats to Revamp Secret Service
Agents will no longer blend into the crowd
| October 24, 2000 -- Head of the Dopeycrat Secret Service
Molly Rogers has pledged to bring changes to the agency if she is appointed. Instead
of the traditional dull, drab, nondescript suits worn by today's agents, her staff will
stand out in a crowd. She plans to require every agent to wear red velvet robes, and
regal headgear. No longer will agents be required to wear earpieces. Rogers'
agency will rely on scent tracking and butt sniffing, both of which she asserts are are
substantially more reliable than the visual and audio methods employed today.
Molly Rogers was quick to respond by holding a press conference on the White House lawn, "Well, Mr. Director, I may be an absolute idiot, but I am also a devoted Dopeycrat. Dopeycrats are doing it with style. Style is everything. Substance is nothing. If you'd watch more TV, you'd learn what America wants. America wants entertainment. And we're going to provide it." With that she turned to walk away. As she did, her crown fell off, and her red velvet robe dropped away to reveal a grass skirt. Rogers began to sashay around flirting with the crowd. As reporters scrambled to get a better view, Scooter Rogers, aspiring Special Envoy to Arizona, was heard loudly defending his sister: "She is not a flirt, she just wiggles when she walks!" It should be noted that this performance was in no way a reflection on the Dopeycrat party. Molly just knows how to have a good time. In style. Dopeycrat style.
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Dopeycrats applaud
the moves, noting that the regal apparel will bring badly needed class to the White
House. The current Director of the Secret Service was contacted for comment on the
proposed changes. His reaction was a predictable, "That's the most ludicrous
thing I've ever heard of! Whoever came up with that idea was an absolute
idiot."
Propaganda courtesy of the Dopeycrat 2000 campaign.
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