Letters to the Editor

October 6, 2000

[Editor's note:  This was sent to the managing editors at the Poopkeepsie Journal last week, and ace reporter Marlowe Garcia was dispatched to investigate.  However he had better things to do, and ignored the assignment, instead opting to remain on Staten Island to train for the Sleep Marathon in the upcoming oLUMPics. 

The continuing lack of media attention evidently prompted Junior Markisenis to fire off this follow-on letter to the editor.]

Dear Idiots at the Poopkeepsie Journal:

Since you continue to ignore my repeated requests for an interview, I find that you leave me no choice.  In defense of my sweet sister, I swear on a stack of pigs ears that there is nothing incestuous about my relationship with Bailey. 

Simon is Bailey's first and one true love.  At this year's Allentown Picnic, Mr. Wurf was verrrrry aloof with Bailey.  She had even put on deodorant, thinking perhaps there was a hygiene problem driving her beloved away.  Instead, the cad preferred the company of his two-legged girlfriend.  Bailey is despondent over this turn of events and may require therapy.  In her anguish, she is considering retaining famed litigator Dan Arvizu to file a complaint of emotional suffering against Mr. Wurf.

I cannot allow my little sister Bailey's reputation to be besmirched by the likes of Mr. Simon Wurf.   I must challenge Mr. Wurf to a Drool Duel at next spring's BoardWaddle.  I am asking my friend <*> (Woo Van Keuren) to be my "second", as he will not be distracted by any foolish rhetoric spouted by Mr. Wurf.

Sincerely,

Junior Markisenis